TEXT JOKES
IF YOU HAVE ANY FUNNY JOKES PLEASE SEND THEM TO
FROM YOUR CLUB'S SITE
JOCK TAKES HIS WIFE TO CASUALTY.
SHE'S NO TEETH, A BROKEN NOSE AND TWO BLACK EYES.
Dr SAYS WHAT'S HAPPENED ? JOCK
"SHE'S GOING THROUGH THE CHANGE."
Dr SAYS "THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN WITH THE CHANGE.
JOCK REPLIES
"IT DOES WHEN IT'S IN MY F***ING POCKET"
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A MAN MEETS A LADY AT A BAR, HE SAY'S "HI WHAT'S YOUR NAME.
SHE SAY'S "CARMEN COS I LIKE CARS AND I LIKE MEN!
WHAT'S YOURS. ? "
CHARLIE BEERCUNT REPLIES.?
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I JUST MADE YOU OPEN YOUR PHONE FOR NOTHING
IT'S GREAT HAVING YOUR ASS IN CHECK.
WHOSE MY BITCH?
YOUR MY BITCH NOW
CLOSE THE PHONE!
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ThEySaYpEoPlEtHaTtAkEiTuPtHeArSeHaVeTrOuBlErEaDiNg
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1st MAN: I HEAR THAT WOMAN WHO PLAYED PUSSY GALORE IN GOLD FINGER HAS SPLIT HER KIPPER
2nd MAN: HONOR BLACKMAN?
1stMAN: NO , ON A DILDO !
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UGLY BLOKE WALK'S INTO PUB WITH BIG GRIN ON HIS FACE
WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT ? ASKED THE LANDLORD.
WELL I LIVE BUY THE RAILWAY AND ON MY WAY HOME LAST NIGHT I NOTICED A WOMAN ON THE TRACK'S
I CUT HER FREE AND WE SHAGGED ALL NIGHT,
DID YOU GET A BLOW JOB THE LANDLORD ASKED
NO, HE SAY'S I COULDN'T FIND HER HEAD. !
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I WENT TO SEE MY FRIENDS NEW BABY TODAY.
SHE ASKED ME IF I'D LIKE TO WIND IT.
I THOUGHT, F***KING HELL THAT'S A BIT HARSH,
SO I JUST GAVE IT A DEAD LEG.
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A HOOKER WAS AT THE DOC'S. CONGRATS YOU ARE PREGNANT, DO YOU KNOW WHO THE DAD IS ?
HOOKER REPLIES, IF YOU ATE A TIN OF BAKED BEANS WOULD YOU KNOW WHICH ONE MADE YOU FART ?
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AEROPLANE IS ABOUT TO CRASH. FEMALE PASSENGER JUMPS UP AND SHOUTS " IF I'M GOING TO DIE, I WANT TO DIE LIKE A WOMAN.”
SHE TEARS OFF HER CLOTHES AND ASKS, “IS THERE SOMEONE ON THIS PLANE WHO’S MAN ENOUGH TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN ?”
PADDY STANDS UP REMOVES HIS SHIRT AND SAYS, “HERE IRON THAT!”
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A BLONDE PHONES THE FIRE BRIGADE AND SAYS HER HOUSE IS ON FIRE, FIREMAN ASKED HOW DO WE GET THERE? BLONDE REPLIES
HELLOOOOOOO….. IN THE F***KING RED TRUCK
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POLISH IMMIGRANT GOES TO SPECSAVERS FOR AN EYE TEST.
OPTICIAN SHOWS HIM CARD WITH LETTERS
C Z W I X N O
S T A C Z.
CAN YOU READ THAT?.
THE POLE SAYS READ IT I KNOW THE MAN!!
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FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO 10 PEOPLE…
AND YOU WILL GET….
F***K ALL..
THAT’S RIGHT F**K ALL. YOU WON’T GET GOOD LUCK OR A NICE SURPRISE. JUST F**K ALL.
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JUST MOVED TO A NEW HOUSE ILL SEND YOU THE ADDRESS
BUT IT’S A F**KING ROUGH AREA,
MYRA HINDLEY IS THE AVON LADY,
FRED WEST IS THE GARDENER,
LOUISE WOODWARD IS THE BABYSITTER,
HAROLD SHIPMAN IS MY NEW G.P.,
GARY GLITTER RUNS THE PLAY GROUP
AND THE Mc CANNS RUN THE HOLIDAY CAMP!
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TIP FOR THE DAY:
TREAT LIFE'S LITTLE PROBLEMS LIKE YOUR DOG WOULD
IF YOU CAN’T EAT IT OR SHAG IT..
PISS ON IT AND WALK AWAY!.
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FRIEND
ME AND YOU ARE FRIENDS..
YOU FIGHT I FIGHT..
YOU HURT I HURT..
YOU CRY I CRY…
YOU JUMP OFF A BRIDGE..
I’M GONNA F**KING MISS YOU XXX..
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WENT TO THE CEMETERY TO PUT SOME FLOWERS DOWN THE OTHER DAY.
AS I WAS STANDING THERE I NOTICED FOUR GRAVE DIGGERS WALKING ABOUT WITH A COFFIN.
THREE HOURS GO BY AND THEY’RE STILL WALKING ABOUT WITH IT.!
I THOUGHT TO MYSELF.
THESE F**KERS HAVE LOST THE PLOT!!
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PADDY GOES INTO SUPER DRUG AND ASKS “HAVE YOU ANY K.Y.JELLY?”
THE ASSISTANT SAYS “NO, HAVE YOU TRIED BOOTS?”
PADDY SAYS
“I WANT TO SLIDE IN, NOT F**KIN MARCH IN.
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Mc VITIES HAVE JUST BROUGHT OUT A NEW BISCUIT RANGE,
“CLITORIS CREAMS”.
THEY CARRY A GUARANTEE, “ONE LICK AND YOU’LL EAT THE BOX”!
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APPLE ANNOUNCED TODAY THE DEVELOPMENT OF A MICROCHIP THAT CAN BE IMPLANTED INTO A WOMAN’S BREAST AND PLAY MUSIC,
THE I-TIT WILL COST £399 AND IS REGARDED AS A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH
AS WOMEN ARE ALWAYS MOANING THAT MEN JUST STARE AT THEIR TITS AND NEVER LISTEN TO THEM!
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LADY GOES TO POLICE STATION AND REPORTS A RAPE BY TWO COUNCIL WORKERS.
WHEN ASKED HOW SHE KNEW THEY WERE FROM THE COUNCIL SHE SAID BECAUSE I DID ALL THE F**KING WORK.
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SCOUSER WALKS INTO A JOB CENTRE AND TELLS THE ASSISTANT
“I’M HARD WORKING, HONEST AND DESPERATE FOR A JOB”,
THE ASSISTANT REPLIES “THAT’S FORTUNATE, WE HAVE JUST GOT ONE IN.
WE NEED A CHAUFFEUR FOR A MILLIONAIRE,
WHICH INCLUDES LOOKING AFTER HIS TWIN NYMPHO DAUGHTERS WHILST ON OVER SEA'S TRIPS,
IT COMES WITH A SALARY OF 200K A YEAR”
THE SCOUSER SAYS “YOU’RE BULLSHITTING ME…”
THE ASSISTANT REPLIES, “YOU F**KIN STARTED IT!”
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NEW JOKE'S WILL BE ADDED AT THE TOP !!!!